As promised, here are my thoughts on the contact list. I was happy people enjoyed the blog that was quick about “Who do we contact?” Although it was riddled with other things like a loss of a partner, career and other jigsaws. I was serious about, “Who do we contact?” Which Is an essential and intimidating question. It’s an eye-opening question that leads to evaluating where we are in life, who we are, and the type of life we are currently living or wanting to live as we all have a family doctor, a masseuse, a gym, a go-to restaurant, a go-to book. If someone asked you what’s your favourite restaurant you have an answer. But asking us who to contact may require some thought. When you’re young, it’s a parent/ guardian that’s the standard. As you age up, your parent/guardian may not be around, or you may live in a different country. I mean Uber, and Lyft has sorted out our problems regarding securing a ride to the hospital or an appointment in which you can’t drive. But they haven’t solved the problem of who is helping with your aftercare? If you are a millionaire, congrats, you may have vetted a service to come and help you. But again, this doesn’t solve the issue of companionship. Companionship is the implication of the contact list as we age. Companionship as according to the dictionary, “is the feeling of fellowship or friendship.” Therefore, the person on our contact list has to know us to an extent. To be my point of contact, I have to trust you, and I have to be comfortable speaking to you about things; I have to feel secure that your intentions are good. Make no mistake, the point of contact is essential. It prepares you for further questions later on in life, like who is your power attorney or your power of care? Which essentially is speaking to someone you trust to have your best interest at heart, but more importantly, make the decisions that you would have wanted over, some previous intention they had. So let’s talk about this; the question provokes thought to re-evaluate your relationships, reflecting on the things/people who are essential and emphasizing creating a whole life. The contact list is the epitome of commitment.
On my podcast, I am known for using the word reprisal. I do not care how much you love something appraising it has to happen. If it doesn’t happen or you are afraid to do it, you already know the reason. Reprisals work precisely like an evaluation. You are evaluating your relationships or lack of them. For example, if you have a combative partner that you can never depend on. Would that be a person you could put to contact if anything happens to you? Thinking about the contact list really sheds light on individuals in our lives. Such as if I have a boyfriend who constantly has money issues and steals, that may not be the person I want to be contacted to decide on my health or maybe even know I am sick. So rethinking the question is helpful, as just by saying that, why would we even continue to be together? I often think in relationships; reliability is missed. We get caught up in these socially constructed romantic idealisms. The partner who makes money, provides us with safety, is responsible but are they reliable? If I can’t depend on you, or your flighty, or ghostly, then in terms of a relationship, what do I need you for? And you may say, well, you have friends, and that’s true. If you are single and family is away or passed on, friends serve as a great point of contact. But again, the friend that is reliable and supportive. When you are in a relationship, your dependability on friends transfers to your partner and why? Because that is an early part of adulting, you begin to share your life with someone. The person you can call as your point of contact. And something I see so often with clients is relying on friends over family. The thing to remember, folks’ friends will eventually have families and children. They will have to be a point of contact for their spouse, parents, children and family. The saying does go blood is thicker than water. This is true for People 25 -45 who are creating lives with other humans and making families. Lifes busy. When I date now at 30, I am not just looking for an attractive, independent man. I am also looking for a reliable person, the person when they ask, “Who can we contact?” I want the person who I date now, to replace my parents and sometimes best friend. When I heard that question with my 30-year-old ears, it dawned on me that none of my 30 relationships have been appropriate. How many of these men could I depend on; if it wasn’t the middle of the night or noon. Which one of them would take a day off to come to get me or be by the phone to pick me up. Sexually speaking, I have had fantastic experiences, though. But let’s be real good sex does not make for a reliable person. So when I heard that, it had me walk down my relationships to evaluate my goals and intentions.
If you know me well, you know I don’t have a hierarchy of friends. It’s either we are best friends, casual or not friends. My best friends are more close to me. We speak daily at a minimum weekly. My casuals are the ones I talk to when something is going on; we support each other, etc. Should I be asked: “if I don’t have anyone to put on my list, which person can I use ?” Like above, I have evaluated all my friends and reflected on our time together. This is something people do like every decade or if something major happens as you fight. But again, if you are sick or need emergency surgery and have no partner or family, who are you going to call? This is important because sometimes we think our friends are close to us or mean us well, sometimes the reality is they don’t. You certainly don’t want that person being contacted. Until this moment, even if you are dating someone, I want to comment that having to use a friend instead of them, tells me your thoughts about your relationship. For example, one of my best friends in the whole world would be number 5 of my point of contact when no one else is around. She is so amazing to me that she has a family, and I couldn’t expect her to help me when she is busy working as a mom, wife, etc. Not that she wouldn’t help me in a flash, I just wouldn’t put her in that position. We need to be reasonable, and really analyze our current friendships and take stock of what they have going on in their lives. This is true if you have family, but you can not rely on them for one reason or another. Most people use a family member or partner as a point of contact, and maybe a friend is the rest doesn’t pick up. That is why we should make a list of 5.
Numbering from 1-5 as our ranking of who we could call. This is precisely how some people fall out with friends. I have an example, during the beginning of COVID, I was virally sick like I was dizzy and coughed up blood. At the same time, my dog had her anal gland clogged and needed to be drained. Now I had people I could call, but I choose to call a friend I had done a lot for, which my mom and her talk often. She also wasn’t working, so I knew she could totally do it. I called her sick, barely talking, and she said to me:
“I can’t, the place is 3 minutes from your house, take your mom and your dog”
“I said to her I can’t. I am really sick, and this would be a personal favour… “
she said “no”
Now if you know me, I will suck it up and go, but I was dizzy. Driving would have been a bad idea, as I could not even see. I was mad and got someone else to take my mom, and I was grateful. Now an essential part of this story, while I was sick, she did call and text me to check up. But I was heated, as I asked you one time to do me a favour after the 700 things I had done for you and you declined. So I iced her out for a while, not answering calls, till one day she said to me she realized I was mad. She was correct, I was angry, and I calmly explained. She said she didn’t know how sick I was, and she was sorry, and honestly, she should have done better as I never ask for help. We got past it, but it still is in my head as a reminder. While she is a close friend, she would be number 7 on my list after everyone else is unavailable. She is not removed from being in my bestie category; she is not on my top 5 for emergencies. However, I hope you see the potential where a fight like this could lose someone a friendship?
Lastly, the question emphasizes living a whole life. We have chatted about partners and friends. But what if you have none. This is not to make light of you having none or being a recluse. But having a whole life is essential. Balancing your life relationships is fundamental to being happy in life. Pushing aside material things, money, careers, etc. I am a workaholic, and I work nonstop. I try to slow down now and then, but it’s hard. It is hard to cultivate relationships because I work all the time, I have odd working hours, sometimes until midnight. I am creative, so inspiration hits; I have to run with it. But this has also meant sacrificing to really cultivating meaningful relationships. I mean, a relationship with a partner takes time. It’s like growing a flower.
To put it another way, I have never watered my garden. Sex is fine; I am not in it for a long haul until I turned 30 and realized something is incorrect. Not that being single is wrong, but simply I am not making conscious choices. I am making unconscious choices, and I am trying to live a mindful life. I would argue I have not chosen to be single, but I have decided not to put up with such a gross douchebag…so I guess I choose to be single? Being single is fine and can be cute until you have medical appointments and they ask who they can contact? But if one chooses to be single, then one has to choose to be single within a whole life. I think my life is full, business is doing better, career is on the move, friends are amazing, family is meh, and relationships are well? Having sex is actually okay; it is something I enjoy quite a lot. However, since I have turned 30, it’s not giving me the same vibe. Maybe I am not selecting reliable partners; why did I say maybe. I am not selecting that kind of partner. I have enjoyed thinking about this because one should live a whole life. More importantly, one should cultivate relationships with family, friends and even partners. At any moment, one of our ecosystems could collapse, and we need to use one of the other ones as a contact. This is why I am saying that although you were maybe interested in the recluse life, at least try to activate one part of your life. I have made efforts to reconnect with my family, although most do not live near me, so them as contact is far off. But it is nice to know we can travel, hang out and if I am in their country, they can be my contact. Friends, I am so lucky for my village; I have had some fantastic friends who have been a part of helping me create a whole life outside money and the luxe life. Partners…well, that’s a long sorted list that we could not get into, but know that I have walked away as a better person from every action, although I have emotional battle scars.
In the end, the contact list is really a question or a comment on how we live our lives. The analysis is, who cares about us? How can we cultivate people to be on our contact list? One of my favourite teachers, Wayne Dyer, speaks of the whole life, choosing to be a good person, and opening our intentions to other experiences. A lot of us, myself included, don’t think about those things often, we may date people for shallow interests such as good looks, but looks fade. While I believe it is important to be attracted to someone, we need to see them as a whole, not just because we want to bed them. We need to assess if this person is someone we can count on? Will they come if called? Will that support us if we need them? Can we trust them? Would we trust them? As we get older, these are important if not detrimental questions to ask when figuring out if someone is for us or, rather, contact list-worthy.